Hinterland, Week Six: Let’s take a break and talk about trampoline parks
We’ve talked about some important things over the past few weeks and I’m so glad for that.
Today, we’re going to talk about what happens when you are 31 and spend an hour at a trampoline park.
This event was sponsored by Groupon and some of my more athletically-capable friends. For those who are new here… I am not athletically-capable. Not even kind of. But I do love a good adventure, and I love these friends, so those two factors were enough to override the foreboding sense that this was not going to end well for me.
First, a primer:
A trampoline park is essentially a broken bone waiting to happen. The whole place is a grid of trampolines, some with a purpose (like basketball or dodgeball courts) and some just for the fun of being trampolines. It looks like this:
This particular trampoline park also has a slackline, which is a balance beam without the beam. My athletically-capable friends were both able to traverse across the entire slackline by the time we left.
I was able to do this:
The real draw of this particular trampoline park, though, was the ninja course. I love American Ninja Warrior, and even though I’m very well aware that I am not ninja material, I’ve always wanted to try some of the obstacles.
Namely, I’ve always wanted to try the jumping spider.
The jumping spider was the very first obstacle on the trampoline park ninja course. I was legitimately excited about this because a) aforementioned enthusiasm and b) I knew my chances of completing any other obstacle were basically zero.
Now, usually there is either a trampoline or a springboard of sorts that catapults you up to the walls—hence the jumping spider—but this one was just a step and then the walls. (Which is kind of curious, given that we were at a trampoline park.)
I’m sure my experience would have been completely different had this been a real jumping spider and not just a spider. Completely different. Because nothing says Improved Chance of Success quite like adding speed and agility to a stationary obstacle.
People. I can’t even.
Literally. I couldn’t even.
This moment is brought to you by the magic of burst photos, since that was the only way to capture the 0.00000003 seconds all four of my limbs made it onto the walls. Please note the caution arrow pointing directly down at me.
It’s like they knew.
With my jumping spider dreams put in proper perspective, I found my true calling: running to the top of the trampoline warped walls and sliding back down, a trick I learned by watching a four-year-old do it on the other side of the gym.
The real moral of the story here is that without a doubt, this was the best workout I’ve had… probably in years. Apparently falling off slacklines and getting three quarters of your limbs between two walls and sliding down trampoline walls is a deceptively intense full body workout.
It’s also a great way to appreciate every single day of your age, since you will feel every single day of your age the next morning.
P.S. Apparently these gyms exist in lots of places, and if for no other reason than comic relief, you should absolutely find one and go.
And you should absolutely schedule a massage for the next day if you are over the age of 30.