Fiction, Non-fiction, and Used Car Descriptions

I’ve decided that used car descriptions should become their own literary genre. This is because used car salesmen employ every and any adjective at their disposal to contort the English language into a sales pitch for a vehicle that should probably not be sold. Case in point, this sample I posted to Twitter:

You now have my week in a nutshell.

Other selections from the genre for you to enjoy:

“This car is nicely equipped with features such as *NON-SMOKER*, *ONE OWNER*, *POLISHED CHROME WHEELS*, and Speed Control. This Focus will take you where you need to go every time…all you have to do is steer!”

Poor speed control got the shaft on that one. Everyone else is ALL CAPS (*with asterisks*), but Speed Control can only hack the initial letter capitalization. Probably because it’s too tired from doubling as a navigation system for where you need to go every time.

“Do you want it all, especially low miles? Well, with this stunning 2005 Toyota Camry, you are going to get it.. Listen to me when I say that you’ll be just bowled over by how much you can pack into the caverous interior of this Camry.”

I was bowled over by the use of “caverous.” My neighbors are about to arrive with torches and pitchforks because it’s 1:30 in the morning I can’t stop laughing out loud every time I start reading, “Listen to me…” 

And my personal favorite, if only because this guy is trying so darn hard:

“Vehicle being sold AS-IS. Stick shift! Wow! Where do I start?!”

You start with the decision to sell a ’97 Accent with 177,00 miles whose best attribute is stick shift. And then you rewind.

At the very least, I can say this process has been entertaining, if not currently productive. Kind of like my relationship with the Black Death.

4 thoughts on “Fiction, Non-fiction, and Used Car Descriptions”

    • Oh my word, used cars are the epitome of “if you aren’t laughing about it, you’d be crying about it” situations. Humor is necessary to survival :) Hope you guys are doing well, Kerrie!

  • I read this whole entire post word for word to my husband (who is typically less-than-enthralled with the gesture) and we could not stop laughing.

    Everyone’s been there. And its the worst.

    A plus? You can pretty much sell anything on Craigslist. Even if its “Listen to me…” a piece of crap.

    • I’m so glad I could bring a few laughs to your house, Abby! Some aspect of the used-car-buying process should be enjoyable :)

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