Fiction, Non-fiction, and Used Car Descriptions

I’ve decided that used car descriptions should become their own literary genre. This is because used car salesmen employ every and any adjective at their disposal to contort the English language into a sales pitch for a vehicle that should probably not be sold. Case in point, this sample I posted to Twitter:

You now have my week in a nutshell.

Other selections from the genre for you to enjoy:

“This car is nicely equipped with features such as *NON-SMOKER*, *ONE OWNER*, *POLISHED CHROME Continue reading

That one time I shampooed my hair with food coloring 8 times in 24 hours

I tend to be impulsive when it comes to creative things. It’s not that I have an aversion to pre-planning, it’s that I go from idea to action in 60 seconds or less. It’s how the Pinterest wall was born. That was good.

It’s also how I came to have red hair.

That was not so good.

If you are looking for a definitive location for The Spur Of The Moment, you will find it in my hair dresser’s salon chair. That was the place where she asked, “What are we doing today?” and I responded, without an ounce of … Continue reading

There is, in fact, a Room 464

Let’s huddle up and discuss one of the funniest and most pathetic moments of travel season thus far.

Last Friday I had driven hither, thither, yon, and yonder – from near Canada to New Jersey – and had finally arrived at my hotel for the night. Not wanting to take multiple trips back and forth to the car, I loaded up like a pack mule and headed inside. To paint a picture: backpack, overnight bag, laptop bag, purse – which contained, among other things, a travel mug, a blender, and a bible – rolling bag, and my dinner from Panera. … Continue reading

Heels: A Brief Manifesto

I’m trying to wear heels more often. First, because it seems like a skill set that should be added to my resume as a woman. And second, so that I stop getting mistaken for a high school student at college fairs and high school visits.

(For real.)

But here’s the thing I don’t understand about heels. Actually, retract that, because there isn’t a single thing I DO understand about heels. I want to know who came up with this idea? Who thought it wise to put an entire woman atop two tiny little pegs? And who manages to wear these … Continue reading

Liquids, Cremation, and Meth

It’s been a busy couple of days on the road in New England, but two things made me laugh yesterday and I feel the need to share them.

First, I make coffee in a travel size french press when I’m in hotels, and yesterday as I was cleaning it out I noticed that one of the directions was worded differently than I expected:

“CAUTION: Children and hot liquids should be kept apart.”

Is it just me, or is that odd? Because when is the time that children and liquids of any temperature are specifically instructed to be kept together?

Second, … Continue reading