573 words on the Nice Black Shoes

I’ve learned a thing or two in my 30 years of life, and one of those things is this: comfort > style.

I’m not exactly rolling into work in my pajamas or anything, but let’s just say I’ve embraced a flexible definition of the word “pants.” So yesterday morning, when I was deciding what to wear and I wanted to go with the Nice Black Shoe option, I came to a crossroads.

I like the Nice Black Shoes from Target, but the Nice Black Shoes don’t like me. By mid-day I’m always cursing my choice of footwear, … Continue reading

872 Words On Anti-Theft Audio Systems

Earlier this week, after reading this post by Melanie Shankle, I realized it had been far too long since I’d posted an interesting life anecdote here. My car, as per all of the times, saw the gleaming door of opportunity and charged straight through it.

So, my headlight went out earlier this week. No big deal. I called my mechanic and he told me to bring it in anytime. Fantastic.

When I went back to pick it up, I couldn’t get my automatic locks to work. I thought that was odd but not entirely out of the ordinary, because … Continue reading

Dear Olive

Remember that one time when you were a diva and wouldn’t poop even though I knew you had to because, from birth, it’s been your habit to hold it until the very last second? And remember when I took you outside one last time before bed and you almost went but then got distracted and no further attempts to make you poop yielded anything but multiple blanks stares? And then I said, “If you wake me up in the middle of the night because you don’t feel inclined to poop just quite yet but will feel led to do so … Continue reading

895 Words on Paper Tracing a VIN (…yes, really)

I’ve been in a lot of ridiculous situations involving cars. There was the one time I slid into a cornfield in the middle of the night and was rescued by a guy in overalls who took off in my car while his friend and I stood in the cornfield and watched him drive away. There was the time in Texas when I was driving my parents minivan and got into a minor accident and was told by a Texan police officer that he was liable to take me to jail for being an out-of-state driver who hit a Texas driver. … Continue reading

Fiction, Non-fiction, and Used Car Descriptions

I’ve decided that used car descriptions should become their own literary genre. This is because used car salesmen employ every and any adjective at their disposal to contort the English language into a sales pitch for a vehicle that should probably not be sold. Case in point, this sample I posted to Twitter:

You now have my week in a nutshell.

Other selections from the genre for you to enjoy:

“This car is nicely equipped with features such as *NON-SMOKER*, *ONE OWNER*, *POLISHED CHROME Continue reading