Heels: A Brief Manifesto

I’m trying to wear heels more often. First, because it seems like a skill set that should be added to my resume as a woman. And second, so that I stop getting mistaken for a high school student at college fairs and high school visits.

(For real.)

But here’s the thing I don’t understand about heels. Actually, retract that, because there isn’t a single thing I DO understand about heels. I want to know who came up with this idea? Who thought it wise to put an entire woman atop two tiny little pegs? And who manages to wear these things all the live long day???

I like the idea of heels. I like that they just about double my total height, and like that I can pretend I look about 15% more fashionable in any outfit with the addition of heels. What I don’t like is the reality of heels. For several reasons.

1. Heels make me a walking target for oncoming traffic, vehicular or otherwise

Seriously. When I’m in heels it’s like Open Season for pedestrians. It takes me quadruple the amount of time to get anywhere. I was crossing a parking lot the other day and I narrowly escaped with life and limb because I was walking at a speed that would make the elderly point and laugh and trample me over. And the poor cars waiting to cross practically pulled over and had a sandwich. They had plenty of time.

2. Heels present the question, “Why am I on an incline?”

The entire time I’m wearing heels I’m wobbling around like a newborn fawn, wondering why in the world I’m standing on an incline for no good reason. There is no male equivalent to heels, and do you know why? It’s because guys have enough common sense to not create small hills to wear on their feet and then stand on them all day long. Even though it was probably a man who created the concept of the heel in the first place, all while laughing to himself knowing he would never have to actually experience them.

3. Heels give me even more opportunities to fall over

Maybe it’s because I’ve had a few go-rounds with vertigo and have zero balance as a result. Maybe it’s because I’ve never had a lick of coordination to begin with. But I fall down a lot when I’m standing on flat surfaces…in flats. So you can imagine how well it works out for me to traverse those same surfaces in heels.

As per last night, when I was walking down a hallway into a college fair. The rep who was walking beside me was just commenting on how much she liked my heels…as I was in the process of getting the actual heel part tangled, losing one of them altogether, and nearly faceplanting right then and there.

That’s good. Excellent timing.

In summary: I have heels. They’re the things attached to my foot below my ankle. And for the foreseeable future, I think they will be getting the majority of my love and devotion…while wearing flats.

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