Can we talk about something controversial?
I don’t like indoor pools. I just don’t.
(I’m also not a big fan of swimming in lakes amongst the Things That Live In Them, but that’s another conversation for another day.)
Let’s preface this by noting that I’ve never loved swimming in general. Being wet outside of the shower on purpose when you live in upstate New York just seems like a funny idea. It’s cold here. Cold is what we do. We can leave the swimming to the Floridians.
But recently I was staying at a hotel and on the way to breakfast I walked past the pool. And it suddenly brought to mind all of the reasons why indoor pools gross me the heck out. Let’s talk about them.
1. You are assaulted by chemicals and humidity before you even walk through the door.
I’ve never walked past anything else that smells like hot fresh death and thought, “Yes. Let’s go in there.”
2. When you walk through the door…that assault comes at you with the speed and ferocity of a charging lion.
Why a lion? I don’t know. But I would imagine that being pummeled by a lion would be a similar experience to walking into the Chlorine Amazon which is the indoor pool. One minute you are perfectly temperate and dry. The next you are gasping for air and looking like Monica in Barbados.
3. They make you run through a fake shower before you get into the pool.
Now, this just seems like a precautionary warning that is dying to be acknowledged. Because is there anything that happens in that all too brief run-through shower other than quickly running through a few spurts of hot water? No? Then we need to come to terms with the facts of the matter: indoor pools are pretty much like taking a communal bath with everyone else in the pool – sans soap, plus chlorine. Why? Why would you subject yourself to that?
(Let the record also state that I don’t understand baths. I’m like a pre-conversion Chandler.)
(This has been a great post for all of the Friends lovers in the crowd.)
4. What is up with the ring of warm water around the outside of the pool?
Perhaps things have changed since I was in the Tadpole class at the YMCA, but I distinctly recall being severely traumatized by the warm water that runs through the metal troughs on the outside perimeter of the pool. What is that??? All I know is I avoided it like the plague…while other kids splashed their hands in it and I died a little inside.
And if all of that weren’t enough, allow me to bring in the clincher, the cold, hard fact that will resolve this whole situation:
5. A recent study says that 1 in 5 adults admits to peeing in public pools.
ONE IN FIVE.
Needless to say, I won’t be packing my bathing suit anytime soon.
Do you guys like indoor pools? Is there something I’m missing? I can do backyard pools and beaches, but the whole indoor swimming experience just makes me shudder. You, too?