Why I’m not married

Why I’m not married

If my life had a most Frequently Asked Question it would easily be this:

“So…when are you going to get married?”

Now, it always makes me wonder how people expect me to answer that question when they know I am not currently dating anyone. That’s not even putting the cart before the horse; that’s making the cart and the horse time travel. If I could see that clearly into the future, I would probably have a full-time job right now. Let’s be reasonable.

But I understand why they’re asking. I was raised in a small Southern Baptist church. I spent a few years as a homeschooler. I went to a Christian college. And I’m not completely devoid of wife-like qualities. All cultural norms would point to me getting married nearly a decade ago. And there are so many questions (so. many. questions.) as to why it hasn’t happened yet.

Don’t I want to get married?

Aren’t I afraid I’ll wait too long and never get married?

Am I looking for the “perfect” man?

Do I know that he doesn’t exist?

Am I too free spirited?

Am I not committed enough?

Am I too/not enough (insert your favorite quality here)?

In the end, there’s only one answer to the question of why I’m not married:

I haven’t met my husband yet.

That’s all.

I’m not the least bit concerned that I’ll never get married because I have so much faith that I will get married.

It seems so simple to me.

But really, it’s not. There are probably loads of other reasons why I’m not married yet. For one, I spent a hefty chunk of time dead-set on never getting married, so no doubt that led me to getting a late start out of the gate. I’ve also been tunnel vision focused on my career, and have a knack for turning down dates like they’re going out of style. Plus, as previously noted, I have a thing for indecision and am a well-documented commitment-phobe. So it’s not like I’m making this whole process easier.

And yet, I don’t think I’ve made it any harder, either. I don’t think God has been caught off guard by this timeline, nor would I go back and do anything differently if I had the chance. I’ve truly treasured this time of being single, knowing that life doesn’t start when I get married. Life is happening right now. And if I’m not living it to the fullest and loving every second while I’m single, what makes me think anything will change when I’m married?

I didn’t think that I’d still be single at 27. But really, nothing I thought would be true of my life at 27 actually is. I’m doing things the long way, the riskier way, the creative way. And I like that. A lot!

I think there’s a misconception that if you enjoy single life, you don’t actually want to be married all that badly. As if being content with being single means that you probably want to stay single forever.

That’s not true. (I know because I’m living it!) How much I embrace life right now has no bearing on my future marital status. If anything, learning to be content in every situation might make for a stronger marriage in the future. And if I could get an Amen! to anything in this post, please feel free to make it for the following:

It’s ok to love your life as-is. 

No, really. It’s ok.

Married, engaged, dating, or single. We’re a little conditioned to think that we always have to be striving for something and therefore can’t enjoy what we have right now. But that’s not true either. In fact, that’s one big consumer culture lie.

So the next time someone asks me why I’m not married yet and if I’m scared that I’ll die alone, I’ll politely respond with the truth: I love my life as-is; I just haven’t met my husband yet.

That’s all.



31 thoughts on “Why I’m not married”

  • Beka,

    1. You are fabulous!
    2. I completely agree with you on everything that you said in this post. I cannot count how many times I have been asked “Why aren’t you married yet?” or “When are you getting married?”, just in the last year.
    3. I haven’t found my husband yet. And that is SO okay! I have so much that I am doing and have done that I wouldn’t have been doing if I was married or even dating. I figure that if I am going to commit to live the rest of my life with a man, he must be one fantastic hunk of a man. =)

    • Brielle, you ARE going to end up with one fantastic hunk of a man! I’m sure of it!!! Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing these thoughts. Hope all is well with you!

  • Bravo! A beautiful and graceful response to such a silly question! I’m guilty of the eternal striving, thanks for the reminder to ENJOY. :)

  • Amen! I haven’t met many guys that I think are good enough for you because you’re awesome. So, there’s that. ;)

    • Beth, I’m in Pennsylvania right now and might have gotten a little choked up when I saw overbearing road signs…and missed our road trips desperately. Love you, long lost friend!

  • I love this! Just found your blog through a friend and I absolutely love it. I will be going home tonight and reading lots more of your posts with some tea-it’ll be like I’m getting to know you over a coffee date! Thanks for the encouragement!

    • Kristin, I completely support that decision. Coffee or tea – either is a good bet and one of my favorite ways to catch up on blogs! So glad you were encouraged by mine; come back anytime!

  • Great post! I believe that making the most of each season of life is crucial! If we are always looking forward we miss what’s right in front of us today (I do need to be more “in the moment” from time to time though!). We are trying to make the most of our time child-free so that if they come along down the road, we won’t look back and regret wishing this time away. We relish an evening of “boring” silence…of reading +uninterrupted sleep. and we are trying to travel as much as possible now as it would be so much harder with kids to go certain places. I’m so with you Beka… take advantage of the blessings that each chapter in life brings. And I know that your husband will be sooooooooo blessed!

    • Love this, Rachel! I love the quote, “Wherever you are, be all there.” It’s so hard to do, but so much more fulfilling. Thanks for stopping by!

  • Beka!
    I’m so thankful I stumbled upon your blog this a.m. Your post hit right home to me and encouraged my heart so! As a fellow “single gal” I get that question all the time. Yet God has BIG THING planned for this season in our lives and it’s so important to keep our eyes focused on that–not the “what-ifs” and “Shoulda, couldas” that are so easy. Thanks for sharing your heart!
    Emily

    • Great reminders, Emily! It’s so easy to get caught up in the what-ifs and the shoulds and forget about what IS. Thanks so much for taking the time to share your thoughts!

  • Oh my word! You just expressed this so beautifully. I love the concise way you put my feelings into words.

    Thank God that I am finally to the point where I can say, “Yes, I’m single. And you know what? It’s all good…because GOD is good.”

    Reminds me of this quote I saw today by Oswald Chambers,

    “It is not only wrong to worry, it is infidelity, because worrying means that we do not think that God can look after the practical details of our lives, and it is never any thing else that worries us.”

    If I cannot trust God to take care of my marital status and lead me to the one I should marry (with whom I can bring glory to God), I probably need to reconsider my choice to trust Him with every other aspect of my life.

    My choice it to believe that He is sovereign, He is good, and He cares about ME!

    • I love that quote, Stephanie! Thanks so much for stopping by and taking the time to comment. Keep doing what you’re doing – especially choosing to believe that He is sovereign, good, and cares about YOU! So true.

  • That is so encouraging. I’m waiting as well for my future husband. Like you said life has already started and it doesn’t start after you get married. I hope what you wrote encourages others and reminds those that you don’t have to be married to live a wonderful life.

    • Thanks so much, Anna! I’m so glad that this post encouraged you. Keep loving your life as-is as you hope for what’s up ahead! :)

  • Hello Beka,
    This post is BRILLIANT. You’re a girl after my own words… though ever so more eloquently. I have experienced all of the above interrogations, and agree completely with your thoughts. I love the horse and cart analogy. I never thought I would be 30 and single, and must confess, that I still feel a little displaced about it and really not sure what to think or do. Your reassurance and encouragement to enjoy now is lovely and needed. And my new come back line will be “I just haven’t met him yet”. Thank you x

    • Hi Annie! I’m so glad you found this post, and so glad you were encouraged by it! My new favorite line is one a friend sent me on Pinterest after reading this post – “Yes, I am in a relationship. It’s a long distance relationship with my husband who lives in the future.” :) I really believe that the Lord delights in giving us the desires of our hearts, even if His timing for those desires is different from ours. Keep enjoying your life until that time comes! And come back to visit anytime! :)

  • This is such a welcomed, inspiring post! I’ moved to St Paul 3 years ago and at 26 still am single- but not for lack of putting myself out there! Thanks for reiterating that there’s noting wrong with girls who are single…we just haven’t met the right guy yet. Thanks for your blog!

  • Excellent post!!! Believe you me it will be worth the wait! I have been separated for 6.5 yeas. We will be married 30 years on July 21st. Wait, wait, wait, and keep on waiting. Make sure you two are mature in Christ. He is the only way. I am standing for the complete restoration of my marriage. Again, wait on The Lord and believe you me you will not be disappointed. Paul wrote, that he learned to be content in any state. We have to learn the same….blessings!!

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